Death over Loss
by Vampier Elf
Summary: Find out how Harry copes after being handed over to the dark lord!


This was bettered by my old TAFE friends ex-girlfriend Jess. I just wanna say thanx for all you help.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except the nurse, who doesn't even have a name(because I couldn't be bothered to give her one).

I hope you all enjoy it, and will tell me what you think, and perhaps give me ideas of stories you would like, Give me a challenge for a one shot and I will see what I can do( see bio for a list of books or anime that I will write about).

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I'll remember that day for the rest of my life, that was the day when all my hope was crushed. That was the day, I knew I would never see him again. I loved Draco Malfoy but after the accident I knew that he would never know of my love. He would never know of the stolen looks, of the deep longing in my heart, the urge to talk to him, not fight with him. I knew that Draco saw me, and not just as his enemy, I saw it in his eyes, he didn't really hate me, but now he will never know that I loved him from the first moment I saw him.

When we met that day in Diagon ally, we didn't know each other but I knew that he liked me from the start, then that day not to long after when we met again on the train I knew that he would not be able to show his love for me. I knew that he had to show some hate because of his family.

But then It happened and I knew that he would never know if I really did love him. There was no warning and I knew that no one would have ever expected it but none the less, it happened. He-who-must-not-be-named, The dark lord, Voldemort stormed the Hogwarts castle in our 7th year, ok so it was kinda expected but what wasn't, was that they had a map, a map that led them straight to me, straight to Harry Potter.

They captured me and took me to some unknown location. Then the torture started. They cursed me till I was almost dead they spent a day reviving me again so that they could nearly kill me again, there where a couple of times when I actually died, I think the total count was 19 deaths over 6 weeks before they let up. But that wasn't the worst of it, that was only magic doing the damage, then came the time for the other types of suffering, they whipped me for 6 days straight rotating in shifts, untill there was not a unmarked area on my body except my head. After that came the sexual torment and that lasted for 5 months before Voldemort wearied of my screams. Then I was locked up in a tiny cell that was more of a metal box and left there.

I don't know how long I was left there but by the time the light side found me I was skin and bone, and completely off my rocker. See it was all my fault. All my fault. If I hadn't lost that map, none of that would have happened, I would be with Draco now.

I can hear that the nurse is coming back into my room and I know what she is going to say, she says it every day, every day since I was found in that box.

"Hello Harry dear, how are you today?" She knows I won't answer her but she still asks every day, every Fucking day.

"I have special news for you today, do you want to hear it?" At this I look at her and move closer to her, she is very surprised as I hadn't moved towards someone in a long time but I felt that the news she had for me was very important and that I would want to hear it. So I waited for her to get over her shock, smiling on the inside.

"It seems that after all these years they finally discovered how 'he-who-must-not-be-named'(they are still too afraid to say his name even though he was killed a long time ago no body knows how only that he is dead, they found his lifeless body and cast many complicated spells till they where certain.) Found the map to Hogwarts!" She said very excited as if that would cure my curiosity. I just sat there looking at her, knowing that my face would not show any emotion as I had lost the will to ever communicate with anyone every again. The nurse finally went on a little disappointed that I didn't respond to that though she knew that it was a slim chance to get any kind of response at all.

"Well it turns out that the map was found and handed in by one of the, then younger Death Eaters. Mr. Draco Malfoy!"

I felt cold, no that is not true I felt frozen as I thought of the one person I wanted to come see me, how he had actually led to the anguish that had consumed my life. I remembered all those long nights back at school when I would think of Draco right before I fell asleep with a smile on my face. All those times that I would look at Draco and our eyes would meet and I thought that he loved me but could not show it because he was a Death Eater. I remembered thinking of Draco, my love for him to help me through the torture knowing that if I got through that alive that I would try my hardest to find him.

Then I remembered one very important moment when he and I where alone and he let the cold mask fall and we talked, he had said that he needed to do something that night but how he was bound to be caught sneaking around if he tried to do whatever he needed, that is when I decided to lend him the map, I remembered it now, I hadn't lost the map but I had lent it to Draco.

He had known I knew a way to get around the castle unseen by teachers at night, he had tricked me into telling him. Draco, had tricked me using my love for him as a way into my heart. Then I remembered the look in his eyes, the moment I handed the map over and told him how to use it. He didn't love me, not at that time, not ever. I had never seen a loving look in his eyes when he looked at me, now that I knew him I could see past my love for him and I saw that there was never a loving look in his eyes only cold hatred!

I looked at the nurse who looked after me and I broke, I fell apart into little pieces all over the floor, I couldn't see her looking worried at me, all I could see was those cold gray eyes mocking me and I knew that he had known that I loved him and he had exploited it to help kill me over and over again.

I'll never forget that look

"I...I'll…I'll…I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. I'll never forget."

"Forget what Harry dear" The nurse ask in a kind voice, she watched on in horror as I unable to cope ran to the corner of my hospital room and started to hit my head against the wall. She watched in horror unable to move as I, Harry Potter smashed my own head against the stone wall again and again till there was a bloody mark left as a reminder of my pain, and yet she was still unable to move as I, the boy who lived, twice, bashed my brains out against a wall.

"I LOVED YOU!!!!!!!"

With that scream, I shattered my head against the wall and the nurse was able to move again. Though all she was able to do after watching her charge, me, kill myself against a wall, was to sit in the opposite corner rocking saying "I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it!"

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Ok ok please don't kill me! I know I deserve it for killing Harry, but it is only a fanfiction after all

Lots of love to all you how read this entire thing

Mishca


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